7,000,000,000 humans will die in the next 100 years

“The most plausible cause of the mass die-off is the internet.  ‘It is the only thing that could have such broad scope across geographic and demographic populations.  Nothing is so universal to the human condition as the internet.  It simply cannot be happenstance that its recent emergence has coincided with the inevitable death of all of the humans living today.’ Continue reading –>

Group of Underachieving Men File Lawsuit Against Jian Ghomeshi

[note that this was written long before Ghomeshi’s fall from grace]

“All these young women hurrying home from yoga with their Lululemon pants, brewing up a pot of lemon zinger and switching on the radio.  You don’t see that kind of thing happening with Rex Murphy.” Continue reading –>

Gilles Duceppe likes to “do sex” in English

“We would meet at Central Station in Montreal,” she said, “He would have me pretend that I was an anglo banker from Toronto and then we would go up to one of the suites in the Queen Elizabeth hotel where we would fait l’amour.”  According to Beaudry, Duceppe got off on her ordering him around in English – “it was ‘dirty talk’ to him.” Continue reading –>

Pro-life/Pro-choice Role-Switch Exercise Ends in the Real Thing

While the two sides have changed their stripes, the animosity between them remains.  “We have always stood up 100% for our convictions, and that isn’t going to change,” Knackerman asserts, “all that has changed is our convictions.  We’ll continue to fight the good fight back on the front lines tomorrow.  The picket signs are already made up.” Continue reading –>

Local Man Dumps Girlfriend after Discovering Revealing Texts

According to the man, the offending text message exposed his girlfriend’s ulterior motives regarding their relationship.  “It read something to the effect that, she adored my personality and loved me so much that it wouldn’t really matter how I looked.  It was a bit of a knife to the back, as I’m sure you can understand” Continue reading –>

Don Cherry Actually Dead for Past 15 Years

CBC and MacLean have been orchestrating an elaborate “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style ruse, propping Cherry’s body up with stiff-collared suits and cutting and rehashing old segments of Cherry criticizing European hockey for being too “soft” and waxing poetic about Canada and Bobby Orr into “new” voice-over material. Continue reading –>

Shit really is “fo’ real”

“With this vote passing,” Dutch Prime Minister Wim Kok said at the post-session press conference, “we send a clear message that shit is, always has been, and always will be, fo’ real.” Continue reading –>

Poor People Have Less Money, Study Finds

we analyzed over one hundred years of census records; we then triangulated those findings with data from comparisons between Myspace and Facebook users based on the extent of the lip pursing evident in their profile pictures; finally, we did experimental laboratory investigations that involved taking money away from extremely naive participants Continue reading –>

YouTube Announces Ban on Cat Videos

Internet expert Gwendolyn Georgia calls the move “unprecedented, but necessary” to protecting their brand identity.  “YouTube was at risk of losing the dynamic diversity of content upon which it was founded to a group of widely-dispersed, but well-organized cat enthusiasts who were relentless in their upload habits.  This is a segment of the population who, frankly, has little better to do with their time – being disproportionately unemployed and often having shunned the social world of their own species.” Continue reading –>