A group of underachieving 30-something Canadian men have filed a class-action lawsuit against CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi in the Ontario Court of Justice today, claiming that he is making it hard for them to find dates and is straining their relationships. Bradley Simon, the originator of the lawsuit, explained the grievance: “Mr. Ghomeshi has pretty much monopolized the fantasy world of the white, middle-class, 20-40 year-old female demographic in Canada.
He’s good-looking, highly intelligent, sensitive, and exotic. He’s pretty much the cultural voice of Canada and, as if that weren’t enough, he used to be a rock star.” Mr. Simon continued, “I mean the guy is smoo-oo-ooth – did you see how he handled that Billy Bob Thornton episode? Like a champ. That’s how. So my girlfriend sees that and complains that its been two months and I still haven’t called our cranky landlord to fix the leaky faucet. Jian’s making us look bad. All these young women hurrying home from yoga with their Lululemon pants, brewing up a pot of lemon zinger and switching on the radio. You don’t see that kind of thing happening with Rex Murphy.”
The “Jian-envy” group included, up until just recently, its own notable Canadian personality: Conservative MP Peter Mackay. The Minister of Defence has been trying to get back on the horse ever since Belinda Stronach left him because of his small-minded political views. He was a signatory to the lawsuit before shrewdly deciding that it would be more efficient to just leverage his political power and look for a suitress outside of Jian’s fanbase. One in want of a Canadian passport. He and Nazanin Afshin-Jam wed in January of this year.
Back on the beat, it didn’t take us long to corroborate the claims about Canada’s intrigue with Ghomeshi’s love-life: typing “Jian Gomeshi ” into Google search yielded top-level auto-completions of “girlfriend” and “married.” Clearly, there are at least a few frisky fingers out there that wouldn’t mind getting their hands on a piece of Jian’s Ghomeshi. His enduring bachelorhood has also raised some speculation in the blogosphere that he may be gay. However, when we caught up with a source close to Ghomeshi, he assured us that Mr. Simon’s lonely hearts club has nothing to worry about: “haha,” he chuckled, “I thought it was obvious enough – haven’t you listened to one of his shows? All the unnecessary meta-boasting, smug mental masturbation, and humble brags – Jian is in love with himself!”
Categorised in: satire
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