Don Cherry Actually Dead for Past 15 Years

June 22, 2017 6:52 pm Published by

Internet celebrity gossip site TMZ is reporting that Canadian hockey broadcaster Don Cherry has actually been dead for fifteen years.  The information was leaked by an anonymous CBC Sports employee in an email to the site yesterday afternoon.  According to the source, Cherry actually passed away from heart complications back in early 2002, sometime during the third period of Russia’s 5-4 comeback win over Canada at the World Junior Hockey Championships.  Ron MacLean and a few of the CBC’s top brass at the time were allegedly alerted to Cherry’s death by his handler and made the decision to keep his passing a secret so as not to lose their star personality and prime ratings draw.  Since then, CBC and MacLean have been orchestrating an elaborate “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style ruse, propping Cherry’s body up with stiff-collared suits and cutting and rehashing old segments of Cherry criticizing European hockey for being too “soft” and waxing poetic about Canada and Bobby Orr into “new” voice-over material.

Cherry’s corpse needs constant maintenance to preserve a life-like appearance

“This isn’t the first time that the CBC has tried to do something like this,” Globe and Mail columnist Margaret “Menopause” Vent reminded us, “they pulled basically the same sh*t with Mr. Dressup until his wife threatened legal action to get the body back and would have done the same with the Friendly Giant had the visible trauma to his body not been so severe.”

In Cherry’s case, the Canadian Government has declared his body a National Historic Site and it will be put on permanent display at Louis Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Niagara Falls.  The body will be fitted with a touch sensitive voice generator with a repertoire of typical Cherry-esque retorts such as, “is that all you got, pansy” and “gimme your best shot, you little puke.”  A cross-country traveling exhibition of his suits will be organized for next year; following that, the collection will be dismantled and donated to Haitian relief organizations.

In the meantime, CBC is reportedly vetting Mel Gibson as a replacement, “because,” according to an anonymous CBC insider, “he shares many of the same qualities as Cherry, such as a generalized disdain for minorities and a penchant for off-colour rants.”

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