7,000,000,000 humans will die in the next 100 years

June 15, 2017 7:51 pm Published by

A group of demographers in India have made the dire discovery that close to 7 billion humans will die over the next 100 years. “It’s a travesty, really,” lead investigator Sanjar Jassar said, “take a good look at your list of Facebook friends. Chances are pretty darn high that they will die sometime in the next 100 years. What’s more, the usual quick fixes – good diet, regular exercise, face-lifts – do not seem to be effective in curtailing a pandemic of this nature.”

Predicted number of deaths in the next 100 years by country

According to the study, the earth has never seen such massive human mortality in such a short time-span. The ramifications are high, conclude the researchers, with the potential mass extinction of countless online communities and their unique niche sub-cultures. “All that linguistic diversity and specialized ‘local’ knowledge that has sprung up – HTML, javascript, Linux – groups such as 9gag with their unique form of toilette humour and endemic interaction rituals that have spawned so many of the world’s important memes – these could be lost forever. On a positive note, however, hipsterism as we know it will be wiped from the face of the earth like a dry acne scab”

Paradoxically, Jassar and colleagues have determined that the most plausible cause of the mass die-off is “the internet.” “It is the only thing that could have such broad scope across geographic and demographic populations. Nothing is so universal to the human condition as the internet. It simply cannot be happenstance that its recent emergence has coincided with the inevitable death of all of the humans living today.”

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